We're Home

I spent three nights in hospital, including my birthday and Valentine's Day. Yet again more things I was missing out on already.

I was so sore for weeks, unable to push the pram, struggled to pick her up, couldn't lie down in bed - I'd thought things would return to normal once I'd had her but it just opened up a whole new set of problems.

For the first few days I was fine but by the end of the first week I was feeling very down and weepy. I hated my body and I hated my life. Scarlett was a sickly baby and I remember two particular occasions when I just lost it - one when she wee'd, as we were just about to go out, but it went everywhere and she needed her clothes changing. I was in floods of tears, I didn't go out in the end as I was too upset. The other occasion was quite similar but my Mum was there and I broke down.

I thought it was just the baby blues and that it would pass but it continued for weeks and then months. I had awful thoughts during this time and would get hysterically upset trying to explain to Pete how I felt. I tried to tell him that it was like my life was over, that nothing would ever be the same ever again. I wanted to send her back, and tried to think of ways I could get someone to take her off me for a few years and then they could bring her back. The thought of looking after this person for the rest of my life used to make me feel sick. I couldn't imagine a time when I would ever be happy again.

I thought so far into the future that I was even thinking about how bad the school run would be as it would be too hard to do.

I just didn't want to be a Mum, I hated every minute of every day. I found it all so boring and monotonous, I got no enjoyment out of it. Pete used to say that no one enjoyed changing nappies or making bottles but I hated every single bit of it.

I wanted to change the fact that I had a baby but I knew I couldn't and that made me so upset. I wanted life to go back to how it was before. I kept telling Pete that I wanted to be the old me, but that person had gone forever. She'll never come back. I've completely changed and will never be the person I was before I had a baby, people don't tell you that things like that happen after having a baby.

I was constantly crying, more or less every day saw me in tears. I am a very organised person and used to love having things booked in advance so that I'd have something to look forward to but I could no longer do this; if I wanted to go out I had to sort out babysitters in advance and plan someone else's life before mine. I know that is extremely selfish but I'd been so used to pleasing myself that I couldn't get my head around it.

Pete was always trying to make me take advantage of our family wanting her during the day but that filled me with dread. Not because I didn't want her to go but because once she'd gone I didn't want her to come back.

Now, I know all this sounds awful but if you've not had PND then you have no idea what it feels like.

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