Had a busy week with Scarlett teething, me not being well and celebrating our second wedding anniversary.
Not forgotten about this blog though so I'll be back soon.
Monday, 9 December 2013
Monday, 2 December 2013
Other People
Pete was fantastic from the moment Scarlett was born, he took to being a Daddy so naturally, he was amazing and couldn't get enough of our baby. I, on the otherhand, had no feelings whatsoever; it was like she wasn't mine - as though I'd gone into hospital and they'd just plucked this baby out of thin air and given her to me. I didn't hate her at all, I loved showing her off if we went out with her but I just had no feelings - neither love nor hate. I was neutral, as though she was someone else's.
But as is the case when you've just given birth everyone wants to come and visit - they were probably some of my worst moments. With my family I was fine, I could cope seeing them and it made it better. Everyone else though was an inconvenience and I didn't want anyone to come round. Obviously though Pete's family wanted to come and see Scarlett but it was horrendous. I don't like crowds of people anyway, or noisy atmospheres at the best of times. When his sister came I ended up in floods of tears and they had to leave.
Pete and my family gave me lots of support and hinted that I should go to the doctors but I was adamant that I did not want to take tablets. I was convinced it was a passing phase and it would go away on its own. It didn't.
Every time Pete left for work, or I looked in the mirror, or when Scarlett cried I would cry my eyes out. It was the worst ever situation I have been in. I couldn't see things ever improving. Pete constantly tried to get me to explain what was making me so upset. Trying to get him to understand how I felt like my life was over was very hard. He couldn't understand what I meant when I told him I wanted the old me back.
My friends came to visit and I thought I coped quite well at the time but since then one has commented that I looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights when she visited and another friend makes quite a few comments about how I should be grateful etc etc. Neither of them know that I have PND as it's not something I've shared with many people.
The thing that annoys me is the people who do comment that I shouldn't be moaning, I've got a lovely little girl, great job, wonderful home, fab husband - depression isn't something that makes much sense, and if I had a million pound it wouldn't have made me any happier. Depression is one of those things and you can't make yourself see sense or see reason.
The turning point for me was researching PND on the internet and I came across a blog that could have been written by me. She listed every thought I'd had regarding the after math of giving birth. In the blog she mentioned that she had gone to the doctors eventually and been prescribed an anti-depressant, she said 'PND will not go away on it's own like the baby blues, you need medication to get it under control.' I cried at this because 1. there was someone else out there who hadn't bonded with her baby just like me and 2. I knew I would have to go on anti-depressants which I didn't want to do.
Next post - Doctors and Recovery
But as is the case when you've just given birth everyone wants to come and visit - they were probably some of my worst moments. With my family I was fine, I could cope seeing them and it made it better. Everyone else though was an inconvenience and I didn't want anyone to come round. Obviously though Pete's family wanted to come and see Scarlett but it was horrendous. I don't like crowds of people anyway, or noisy atmospheres at the best of times. When his sister came I ended up in floods of tears and they had to leave.
Pete and my family gave me lots of support and hinted that I should go to the doctors but I was adamant that I did not want to take tablets. I was convinced it was a passing phase and it would go away on its own. It didn't.
Every time Pete left for work, or I looked in the mirror, or when Scarlett cried I would cry my eyes out. It was the worst ever situation I have been in. I couldn't see things ever improving. Pete constantly tried to get me to explain what was making me so upset. Trying to get him to understand how I felt like my life was over was very hard. He couldn't understand what I meant when I told him I wanted the old me back.
My friends came to visit and I thought I coped quite well at the time but since then one has commented that I looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights when she visited and another friend makes quite a few comments about how I should be grateful etc etc. Neither of them know that I have PND as it's not something I've shared with many people.
The thing that annoys me is the people who do comment that I shouldn't be moaning, I've got a lovely little girl, great job, wonderful home, fab husband - depression isn't something that makes much sense, and if I had a million pound it wouldn't have made me any happier. Depression is one of those things and you can't make yourself see sense or see reason.
The turning point for me was researching PND on the internet and I came across a blog that could have been written by me. She listed every thought I'd had regarding the after math of giving birth. In the blog she mentioned that she had gone to the doctors eventually and been prescribed an anti-depressant, she said 'PND will not go away on it's own like the baby blues, you need medication to get it under control.' I cried at this because 1. there was someone else out there who hadn't bonded with her baby just like me and 2. I knew I would have to go on anti-depressants which I didn't want to do.
Next post - Doctors and Recovery
Friday, 29 November 2013
We're Home
I spent three nights in hospital, including my birthday and Valentine's Day. Yet again more things I was missing out on already.
I was so sore for weeks, unable to push the pram, struggled to pick her up, couldn't lie down in bed - I'd thought things would return to normal once I'd had her but it just opened up a whole new set of problems.
For the first few days I was fine but by the end of the first week I was feeling very down and weepy. I hated my body and I hated my life. Scarlett was a sickly baby and I remember two particular occasions when I just lost it - one when she wee'd, as we were just about to go out, but it went everywhere and she needed her clothes changing. I was in floods of tears, I didn't go out in the end as I was too upset. The other occasion was quite similar but my Mum was there and I broke down.
I thought it was just the baby blues and that it would pass but it continued for weeks and then months. I had awful thoughts during this time and would get hysterically upset trying to explain to Pete how I felt. I tried to tell him that it was like my life was over, that nothing would ever be the same ever again. I wanted to send her back, and tried to think of ways I could get someone to take her off me for a few years and then they could bring her back. The thought of looking after this person for the rest of my life used to make me feel sick. I couldn't imagine a time when I would ever be happy again.
I thought so far into the future that I was even thinking about how bad the school run would be as it would be too hard to do.
I just didn't want to be a Mum, I hated every minute of every day. I found it all so boring and monotonous, I got no enjoyment out of it. Pete used to say that no one enjoyed changing nappies or making bottles but I hated every single bit of it.
I wanted to change the fact that I had a baby but I knew I couldn't and that made me so upset. I wanted life to go back to how it was before. I kept telling Pete that I wanted to be the old me, but that person had gone forever. She'll never come back. I've completely changed and will never be the person I was before I had a baby, people don't tell you that things like that happen after having a baby.
I was constantly crying, more or less every day saw me in tears. I am a very organised person and used to love having things booked in advance so that I'd have something to look forward to but I could no longer do this; if I wanted to go out I had to sort out babysitters in advance and plan someone else's life before mine. I know that is extremely selfish but I'd been so used to pleasing myself that I couldn't get my head around it.
Pete was always trying to make me take advantage of our family wanting her during the day but that filled me with dread. Not because I didn't want her to go but because once she'd gone I didn't want her to come back.
Now, I know all this sounds awful but if you've not had PND then you have no idea what it feels like.
Next post - Other people
I was so sore for weeks, unable to push the pram, struggled to pick her up, couldn't lie down in bed - I'd thought things would return to normal once I'd had her but it just opened up a whole new set of problems.
For the first few days I was fine but by the end of the first week I was feeling very down and weepy. I hated my body and I hated my life. Scarlett was a sickly baby and I remember two particular occasions when I just lost it - one when she wee'd, as we were just about to go out, but it went everywhere and she needed her clothes changing. I was in floods of tears, I didn't go out in the end as I was too upset. The other occasion was quite similar but my Mum was there and I broke down.
I thought it was just the baby blues and that it would pass but it continued for weeks and then months. I had awful thoughts during this time and would get hysterically upset trying to explain to Pete how I felt. I tried to tell him that it was like my life was over, that nothing would ever be the same ever again. I wanted to send her back, and tried to think of ways I could get someone to take her off me for a few years and then they could bring her back. The thought of looking after this person for the rest of my life used to make me feel sick. I couldn't imagine a time when I would ever be happy again.
I thought so far into the future that I was even thinking about how bad the school run would be as it would be too hard to do.
I just didn't want to be a Mum, I hated every minute of every day. I found it all so boring and monotonous, I got no enjoyment out of it. Pete used to say that no one enjoyed changing nappies or making bottles but I hated every single bit of it.
I wanted to change the fact that I had a baby but I knew I couldn't and that made me so upset. I wanted life to go back to how it was before. I kept telling Pete that I wanted to be the old me, but that person had gone forever. She'll never come back. I've completely changed and will never be the person I was before I had a baby, people don't tell you that things like that happen after having a baby.
I was constantly crying, more or less every day saw me in tears. I am a very organised person and used to love having things booked in advance so that I'd have something to look forward to but I could no longer do this; if I wanted to go out I had to sort out babysitters in advance and plan someone else's life before mine. I know that is extremely selfish but I'd been so used to pleasing myself that I couldn't get my head around it.
Pete was always trying to make me take advantage of our family wanting her during the day but that filled me with dread. Not because I didn't want her to go but because once she'd gone I didn't want her to come back.
Now, I know all this sounds awful but if you've not had PND then you have no idea what it feels like.
Next post - Other people
Wednesday, 27 November 2013
Scarlett is Here!!!!
Scarlett arrived at 2.49am on 12 February 2013, sharing my 34th birthday. And from that moment onwards my life has been a blur.
I forgot to say in my last post that another reason for the emergency C section was because her heart rate had been constantly dropping. Pete said he could see it dropping on the monitor and although worried himself, he didn't want to make me panic so kept quiet.
She was whisked away and it seemed like hours before she came back. It took ages to sow me back up and I couldn't stop shaking. I had to have the anaesthetist in with me until I'd calmed down. I felt like this bit went on and on and on. They brought Scarlett in for a feed but she wouldn't suck the bottle from Pete so the midwife had to try, I couldn't do it as I was still groggy. However, its only when I now think back that I realise I never asked where she was, or could I hold her. Was I not bothered? I don't know. Why didn't I ask about her and act like a normal Mum? I don't know.
I sent Pete home for a bit of sleep around 5.30am, by this point I'd still not held her. Is this where my postnatal depression stems from? Do I feel guilty for not holding her straight away and therefore the PND came or is it because I didn't get that immediate closeness that the PND came? Why didn't the nurses give her to me straight away? Was it because I was shaking too much? Surely there must be a way around that though, it must be a common issue after a C section. I'd love to know how other people have gone on after a C section with regards to contact with their baby. And whether PND is more common after a C section? It would be interesting to find out.
I spent three days in hospital which felt like forever, I couldn't wait to go home but on the other hand I got in a good routine and started to wonder how I'd cope at home. I don't remember holding Scarlett in hospital, other than to feed her. Did I hold her? I have no idea. I must have been so drugged up for the pain, it really is a blur. At the beginning she wouldn't suck so for the first few feeds the nurses fed her. I have no recollection of feeling close to her or feeling excited that she'd arrived. At the time I never thought anything strange about it but its not normal, is it?
I can say now, its not the birth I wanted - I feel cheated that I didn't properly give birth, I didn't push, I didn't get the excitement of my waters breaking at home, it was all regimented and too strict. I'm not saying that giving birth should be all sweetness and light but I don't feel I gave birth. This baby just arrived and that was it. I didn't get to hold her until hours later and I'll never get that time back. It's too hard to explain to Pete though, when I say I feel cheated he can't understand. He says his only concern was that we were both kept safe. And I can see his point but he didn't carry a baby around for 9 months expecting a certain way for things to pan out only for it all to change. For him a baby was coming and it did. I know that the main thing was to deliver Scarlett safely but I do feel I missed out.
Please feel free to ask me any questions on pregnancy, birth, c sections. I'm not saying I can answer them all but I'll have a go. Or share your own experiences here, I'd love to know thoughts from ladies who have had a section.
Next post .... we're home.
I forgot to say in my last post that another reason for the emergency C section was because her heart rate had been constantly dropping. Pete said he could see it dropping on the monitor and although worried himself, he didn't want to make me panic so kept quiet.
She was whisked away and it seemed like hours before she came back. It took ages to sow me back up and I couldn't stop shaking. I had to have the anaesthetist in with me until I'd calmed down. I felt like this bit went on and on and on. They brought Scarlett in for a feed but she wouldn't suck the bottle from Pete so the midwife had to try, I couldn't do it as I was still groggy. However, its only when I now think back that I realise I never asked where she was, or could I hold her. Was I not bothered? I don't know. Why didn't I ask about her and act like a normal Mum? I don't know.
I sent Pete home for a bit of sleep around 5.30am, by this point I'd still not held her. Is this where my postnatal depression stems from? Do I feel guilty for not holding her straight away and therefore the PND came or is it because I didn't get that immediate closeness that the PND came? Why didn't the nurses give her to me straight away? Was it because I was shaking too much? Surely there must be a way around that though, it must be a common issue after a C section. I'd love to know how other people have gone on after a C section with regards to contact with their baby. And whether PND is more common after a C section? It would be interesting to find out.
I spent three days in hospital which felt like forever, I couldn't wait to go home but on the other hand I got in a good routine and started to wonder how I'd cope at home. I don't remember holding Scarlett in hospital, other than to feed her. Did I hold her? I have no idea. I must have been so drugged up for the pain, it really is a blur. At the beginning she wouldn't suck so for the first few feeds the nurses fed her. I have no recollection of feeling close to her or feeling excited that she'd arrived. At the time I never thought anything strange about it but its not normal, is it?
I can say now, its not the birth I wanted - I feel cheated that I didn't properly give birth, I didn't push, I didn't get the excitement of my waters breaking at home, it was all regimented and too strict. I'm not saying that giving birth should be all sweetness and light but I don't feel I gave birth. This baby just arrived and that was it. I didn't get to hold her until hours later and I'll never get that time back. It's too hard to explain to Pete though, when I say I feel cheated he can't understand. He says his only concern was that we were both kept safe. And I can see his point but he didn't carry a baby around for 9 months expecting a certain way for things to pan out only for it all to change. For him a baby was coming and it did. I know that the main thing was to deliver Scarlett safely but I do feel I missed out.
Please feel free to ask me any questions on pregnancy, birth, c sections. I'm not saying I can answer them all but I'll have a go. Or share your own experiences here, I'd love to know thoughts from ladies who have had a section.
Next post .... we're home.
I waited,waited and waited a bit more
Scarlett was due on 31st January 2013 but I just knew I'd go over, I had that feeling. When we had our 13 week scan I remember being told that you could go 11 days over and then you'd be booked in to be induced - 11 days would take me to the day before my birthday - as I said, I had that feeling she'd hang on in there.
I finished work a week earlier than expected on 11th January, I was so big, tired and uncomfortable that I couldn't concentrate on work. Every day my husband went to work and expected 'that' phone call but nothing. Days passed, family and friends enquired but still nothing.
We then had the huge snowfall one evening - about 3 feet of snow fell in one go, we prayed that she didn't arrive that evening. She didn't.
The 31st January came and went, trips to the midwife followed but nothing could make her come out (at this point I didn't know she was a girl.) When I got to 4 days overdue they booked me in for the following Monday to be induced - yes, the day before my birthday 11th February - I knew I would be going to the hospital on that day and she wouldn't come any sooner. I was right.
I had the normal anxieties of would everything go okay, what if I couldn't push (I'd watched One Born Every Minute, I knew the script!) would she be okay etc etc etc!
The morning of 11th February arrived and we decided to celebrate my birthday a day early with lunch out at a pub near to the hospital and then I went to see my Mum. A 3pm appointment was not the best thing in the world as I had all day to think about what was going to happen.
Booking in at the hospital and getting things started seemed a slow process, lots of monitoring, blood presure checks and baby checks. I was given various drugs to start things off but she just wouldn't budge. Pete was allowed to stay with me, even though we were on a ward, but they told us if I hadn't started soon then I would only be tried again in the morning; they had lots of C sections booked in and were really busy. That was not what I wanted to hear. The three things I had said all along were 'I didn't want to stay in overnight' 'I didn't want an epidural' and 'I didn't want a C section.'
My contractions seemed to start off about 8pm but no-one seemed that bothered and didn't really think they'd begun, as it was my first baby (and last) I wasn't sure myself so put it down to just being uncomfortable.
At around 11pm they sent Pete home but typically as soon as he went my contractions intensified and they whizzed me off to a delivery room. Pete told me later that he'd just got in bed and the phone rang telling him to come back, I think it was about 12.30am.
By the time he got back I was as high as a kite on gas and air - best stuff ever, didn't necessarily take the pain away but it certainly made me concentrate on my breathing.
Things happened quite quickly once Pete arrived - my waters broke, I wanted to push but she wouldn't come out, I was checked by a more senior person, no idea who she was, but she couldn't get Scarlett to stop turning her head from side to side. I remember them saying that I may end up having a C section and then the next thing I knew I was signing a consent form to have one and an epidural - all three things I didn't want to happen had now been ticked off!
I had so many people surrounding me it was unreal. I had two people putting my socks on, one doing my gown, one doing the epidural, one putting a drip in and countless others. I was like a rag doll and not really that aware of things. Pete had gone but I don't even know if I knew that until he came back in his gown and cap.
The actual C Section seemed to be over in seconds, I asked Pete what 'it' was and he told me a girl. I was quickly shown her by the nurse and then she got whisked away. All I really remember is they said she had goregous, long eyelashes. She was born at 2.49am on my birthday - I was right all along.
Next post - she's here!
I finished work a week earlier than expected on 11th January, I was so big, tired and uncomfortable that I couldn't concentrate on work. Every day my husband went to work and expected 'that' phone call but nothing. Days passed, family and friends enquired but still nothing.
We then had the huge snowfall one evening - about 3 feet of snow fell in one go, we prayed that she didn't arrive that evening. She didn't.
The 31st January came and went, trips to the midwife followed but nothing could make her come out (at this point I didn't know she was a girl.) When I got to 4 days overdue they booked me in for the following Monday to be induced - yes, the day before my birthday 11th February - I knew I would be going to the hospital on that day and she wouldn't come any sooner. I was right.
I had the normal anxieties of would everything go okay, what if I couldn't push (I'd watched One Born Every Minute, I knew the script!) would she be okay etc etc etc!
The morning of 11th February arrived and we decided to celebrate my birthday a day early with lunch out at a pub near to the hospital and then I went to see my Mum. A 3pm appointment was not the best thing in the world as I had all day to think about what was going to happen.
Booking in at the hospital and getting things started seemed a slow process, lots of monitoring, blood presure checks and baby checks. I was given various drugs to start things off but she just wouldn't budge. Pete was allowed to stay with me, even though we were on a ward, but they told us if I hadn't started soon then I would only be tried again in the morning; they had lots of C sections booked in and were really busy. That was not what I wanted to hear. The three things I had said all along were 'I didn't want to stay in overnight' 'I didn't want an epidural' and 'I didn't want a C section.'
My contractions seemed to start off about 8pm but no-one seemed that bothered and didn't really think they'd begun, as it was my first baby (and last) I wasn't sure myself so put it down to just being uncomfortable.
At around 11pm they sent Pete home but typically as soon as he went my contractions intensified and they whizzed me off to a delivery room. Pete told me later that he'd just got in bed and the phone rang telling him to come back, I think it was about 12.30am.
By the time he got back I was as high as a kite on gas and air - best stuff ever, didn't necessarily take the pain away but it certainly made me concentrate on my breathing.
Things happened quite quickly once Pete arrived - my waters broke, I wanted to push but she wouldn't come out, I was checked by a more senior person, no idea who she was, but she couldn't get Scarlett to stop turning her head from side to side. I remember them saying that I may end up having a C section and then the next thing I knew I was signing a consent form to have one and an epidural - all three things I didn't want to happen had now been ticked off!
I had so many people surrounding me it was unreal. I had two people putting my socks on, one doing my gown, one doing the epidural, one putting a drip in and countless others. I was like a rag doll and not really that aware of things. Pete had gone but I don't even know if I knew that until he came back in his gown and cap.
The actual C Section seemed to be over in seconds, I asked Pete what 'it' was and he told me a girl. I was quickly shown her by the nurse and then she got whisked away. All I really remember is they said she had goregous, long eyelashes. She was born at 2.49am on my birthday - I was right all along.
Next post - she's here!
Tuesday, 26 November 2013
And so it begins!.
Where do I start? I'll introduce myself first - I'm mum to 9 1/2 month old Scarlett. And at the moment that's it. I am a Mum and feel like that is all I have become. But I'll get onto that later.
This time two years ago I was planning my wedding in St Lucia. The excitement I felt at getting married was unbelievable, it was going to be me and my fiance and no-one else. Perfect bliss. I loved us being on our own and it was a dream come true.
We had met in 1998, loosely dated and then gone our separate ways. He married someone else, which fortunately for me didn't work out, and the rest as they say is history. We decided to start trying for a baby straight away and within 5 months it happened. We were ecstatic and couldn't wait to get to that 13 week scan so that we could tell everyone. All our family were over the moon, as we would have expected, and excitedly awaited the new arrival.
Time passed on (can I just say there is no horrible ending to this tale, it is just my thoughts on pregnancy etc) and at age 34 the pregnancy went as smoothly as it could have. But I was a different story, I had horrendous backache for weeks on end, pelvic girdle pain (which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy,) very tearful as I I thought I looked awful and sickness for the first 13 weeks.
I can honestly say I absolutely hated being pregnant from start to finish, but it's not the done thing is it? You get the 'looks' off people if you say anything detrimental about pregnancy so I kept quiet bar with my family. But why can't I say I hated it? I understand that a lot of people struggle to get pregnant etc but it doesn't mean that I have to be singing and dancing every step of the way. For about half of the pregnancy I was in that much pain with the pelvic girdle issue that I couldn't turn over in bed, and if I did I woke myself up. So, all this 'get your sleep now before baby comes' was a no go. I was tired, weepy and in pain - how can you enjoy that?
Fair enough the kicks the baby gave me where nice to feel and I liked the fuss I received but other than that I couldn't wait for it to be over and get back to being me. Little did I know that the 'me' pre baby would be gone forever.
So, this time last year I was awaiting the birth - due in January. I spent a sober first wedding anniversary in Edinburgh, which although it was lovely I was absolutely shattered by the end of it. I had wanted to go abroad but due to flight restrictions I couldn't. I started to feel that the pregnancy was stopping me doing things - going out, going on holiday, enjoying myself, wearing nice clothes. All very superficial I know, but when that has been your life since age 16 - holidays/ friends etc it is quite hard to adjust to not being able to please yourself.
My next post will be the lead up to the birth!
This time two years ago I was planning my wedding in St Lucia. The excitement I felt at getting married was unbelievable, it was going to be me and my fiance and no-one else. Perfect bliss. I loved us being on our own and it was a dream come true.
We had met in 1998, loosely dated and then gone our separate ways. He married someone else, which fortunately for me didn't work out, and the rest as they say is history. We decided to start trying for a baby straight away and within 5 months it happened. We were ecstatic and couldn't wait to get to that 13 week scan so that we could tell everyone. All our family were over the moon, as we would have expected, and excitedly awaited the new arrival.
Time passed on (can I just say there is no horrible ending to this tale, it is just my thoughts on pregnancy etc) and at age 34 the pregnancy went as smoothly as it could have. But I was a different story, I had horrendous backache for weeks on end, pelvic girdle pain (which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy,) very tearful as I I thought I looked awful and sickness for the first 13 weeks.
I can honestly say I absolutely hated being pregnant from start to finish, but it's not the done thing is it? You get the 'looks' off people if you say anything detrimental about pregnancy so I kept quiet bar with my family. But why can't I say I hated it? I understand that a lot of people struggle to get pregnant etc but it doesn't mean that I have to be singing and dancing every step of the way. For about half of the pregnancy I was in that much pain with the pelvic girdle issue that I couldn't turn over in bed, and if I did I woke myself up. So, all this 'get your sleep now before baby comes' was a no go. I was tired, weepy and in pain - how can you enjoy that?
Fair enough the kicks the baby gave me where nice to feel and I liked the fuss I received but other than that I couldn't wait for it to be over and get back to being me. Little did I know that the 'me' pre baby would be gone forever.
So, this time last year I was awaiting the birth - due in January. I spent a sober first wedding anniversary in Edinburgh, which although it was lovely I was absolutely shattered by the end of it. I had wanted to go abroad but due to flight restrictions I couldn't. I started to feel that the pregnancy was stopping me doing things - going out, going on holiday, enjoying myself, wearing nice clothes. All very superficial I know, but when that has been your life since age 16 - holidays/ friends etc it is quite hard to adjust to not being able to please yourself.
My next post will be the lead up to the birth!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)