Scarlett is Here!!!!

Scarlett arrived at 2.49am on 12 February 2013, sharing my 34th birthday. And from that moment onwards my life has been a blur.

I forgot to say in my last post that another reason for the emergency C section was because her heart rate had been constantly dropping. Pete said he could see it dropping on the monitor and although worried himself, he didn't want to make me panic so kept quiet.

She was whisked away and it seemed like hours before she came back. It took ages to sow me back up and I couldn't stop shaking. I had to have the anaesthetist in with me until I'd calmed down. I felt like this bit went on and on and on. They brought Scarlett in for a feed but she wouldn't suck the bottle from Pete so the midwife had to try, I couldn't do it as I was still groggy. However, its only when I now think back that I realise I never asked where she was, or could I hold her. Was I not bothered? I don't know. Why didn't I ask about her and act like a normal Mum? I don't know.

I sent Pete home for a bit of sleep around 5.30am, by this point I'd still not held her. Is this where my postnatal depression stems from? Do I feel guilty for not holding her straight away and therefore the PND came or is it because I didn't get that immediate closeness that the PND came? Why didn't the nurses give her to me straight away? Was it because I was shaking too much? Surely there must be a way around that though, it must be a common issue after a C section. I'd love to know how other people have gone on after a C section with regards to contact with their baby. And whether PND is more common after a C section? It would be interesting to find out.

I spent three days in hospital which felt like forever, I couldn't wait to go home but on the other hand I got in a good routine and started to wonder how I'd cope at home. I don't remember holding Scarlett in hospital, other than to feed her. Did I hold her? I have no idea. I must have been so drugged up for the pain, it really is a blur. At the beginning she wouldn't suck so for the first few feeds the nurses fed her. I have no recollection of feeling close to her or feeling excited that she'd arrived. At the time I never thought anything strange about it but its not normal, is it?

I can say now, its not the birth I wanted - I feel cheated that I didn't properly give birth, I didn't push, I didn't get the excitement of my waters breaking at home, it was all regimented and too strict. I'm not saying that giving birth should be all sweetness and light but I don't feel I gave birth. This baby just arrived and that was it. I didn't get to hold her until hours later and I'll never get that time back. It's too hard to explain to Pete though, when I say I feel cheated he can't understand. He says his only concern was that we were both kept safe. And I can see his point but he didn't carry a baby around for 9 months expecting a certain way for things to pan out only for it all to change. For him a baby was coming and it did. I know that the main thing was to deliver Scarlett safely but I do feel I missed out.

Please feel free to ask me any questions on pregnancy, birth, c sections. I'm not saying I can answer them all but I'll have a go. Or share your own experiences here, I'd love to know thoughts from ladies who have had a section.

Next post .... we're home.