Pete was fantastic from the moment Scarlett was born, he took to being a Daddy so naturally, he was amazing and couldn't get enough of our baby. I, on the otherhand, had no feelings whatsoever; it was like she wasn't mine - as though I'd gone into hospital and they'd just plucked this baby out of thin air and given her to me. I didn't hate her at all, I loved showing her off if we went out with her but I just had no feelings - neither love nor hate. I was neutral, as though she was someone else's.
But as is the case when you've just given birth everyone wants to come and visit - they were probably some of my worst moments. With my family I was fine, I could cope seeing them and it made it better. Everyone else though was an inconvenience and I didn't want anyone to come round. Obviously though Pete's family wanted to come and see Scarlett but it was horrendous. I don't like crowds of people anyway, or noisy atmospheres at the best of times. When his sister came I ended up in floods of tears and they had to leave.
Pete and my family gave me lots of support and hinted that I should go to the doctors but I was adamant that I did not want to take tablets. I was convinced it was a passing phase and it would go away on its own. It didn't.
Every time Pete left for work, or I looked in the mirror, or when Scarlett cried I would cry my eyes out. It was the worst ever situation I have been in. I couldn't see things ever improving. Pete constantly tried to get me to explain what was making me so upset. Trying to get him to understand how I felt like my life was over was very hard. He couldn't understand what I meant when I told him I wanted the old me back.
My friends came to visit and I thought I coped quite well at the time but since then one has commented that I looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights when she visited and another friend makes quite a few comments about how I should be grateful etc etc. Neither of them know that I have PND as it's not something I've shared with many people.
The thing that annoys me is the people who do comment that I shouldn't be moaning, I've got a lovely little girl, great job, wonderful home, fab husband - depression isn't something that makes much sense, and if I had a million pound it wouldn't have made me any happier. Depression is one of those things and you can't make yourself see sense or see reason.
The turning point for me was researching PND on the internet and I came across a blog that could have been written by me. She listed every thought I'd had regarding the after math of giving birth. In the blog she mentioned that she had gone to the doctors eventually and been prescribed an anti-depressant, she said 'PND will not go away on it's own like the baby blues, you need medication to get it under control.' I cried at this because 1. there was someone else out there who hadn't bonded with her baby just like me and 2. I knew I would have to go on anti-depressants which I didn't want to do.
Next post - Doctors and Recovery
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